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| What is freedom?
Then the word of the LORD came to Jeremiah: "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: I made a covenant with your ancestors when I brought them out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. I said, `Every seventh year each of you must free any other Hebrews who have sold themselves to you. After they have served you six years, you must let them go free.' Your ancestors, however, did not listen to me or pay attention to me. Recently you repented and did what is right in my sight: Each of you proclaimed freedom to your own people. You even made a covenant before me in the house that bears my Name. But now you have turned around and profaned my name; each of you has taken back the male and female slaves you had set free to go where they they wished. You have forced them to become your slaves again.
Therefore, this is what the LORD says: You have not obeyed me; you have not proclaimed freedom to your own people. So I now proclaim `freedom' for you, declares the LORD--`freedom' to fall by the sword, plague and famine. I will make you abhorrent to all the kingdoms of the earth. Those who have violated my covenant and have not fulfilled the terms of the covenant they made before me, I will treat like the calf they cut in two and then walked between its pieces. (Jer 34:12-18)
Proclaiming freedom to the prisoners seems like a rough thing to do because we are in need of healing of slavery as the oppressors just as much as the oppressed otherwise it continues. Lord, may you heal this land and our sickness. Be merciful with us, but discipline us.
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| "I live by myself. I have my own apartment. I can't live with my mom because of who she lives with. She's married to the man who raped me. I'm okay to talk about it because I've been through counseling. She saw the whole thing. If you heard the story of my life, you would cry. I'm writing a book of my life story--it's this thick"
My cousin was at our house for Christmas this year. Some of the awkwardness and tensions aside, it was nice to have her there. I've only met her four times, and she is the oldest of the cousins (34). Needless to say, she's had a rough life, but the last couple months there have been some interesting changes. She's gotten involved in a church with some foster parents who are great. She works full-time. She takes care of herself and is growing spiritually and emotionally. I can't imagine the crap that she's been through--I'd like to read her book. Her brother is addicted to crack and has a couple kids. Her mother, my aunt, has never come out of her running away from home and getting in bad situations. It's great to have my cousin start to become part of
our family again (they had been cut off because the stuff they've been involved in). My dad has started talking to her regularly and been talking about God and family. She doesn't have a lot of tact, but she's been through a lot and understands life in a way I probably don't. My dad told me that this has been the best Christmas he's ever had, just being able to sit around and talk with our family. On the other hand, almost everyone else felt really uncomfortable that she was there and didn't like that my dad brought her. Both my sister and mom confronted him about it. This struck me because I've been talking with my dad about what it means when Christ says:
"If any man cometh unto me, and hateth not his own father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple" Luke 14.26
That passage, I've never really completely understood (because I usually fully understand everything). I mean, Jesus is as usual saying kid of extreme things. How am I supposed to love these people, but hate them too?
The discussion arose because I've been continuing Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship, and he wrote a chapter about it. His point is that Christ stands not only as the Mediator between man and God, but also between man and man. All the connections with people that we thought were to real are revealed as illusions--these connections are not what they should be. The only way that we actually have true connections with other people is through Christ--true fellowship. When Christ calls us, he separates us from these things, and stands between us and them, whether we realize it or not. He sincerely argues about exploiting the Mediator to justify direct relationships with the things of this world--equating love of God with love of the world. We are now individuals. (sorry this is dense. Here is what I consider the meat of this:)
"We cannot rightly acknowledge the gifts of God unless we acknowledge the Mediator for whose sake alone they are given to us. There can be no genuine thanksgiving for the blessings of nation, family, history, and nature without that heart-felt penitence which gives the glory to Christ alone above all else. There can be no real attachment to the given creation, no genuine responsibility in the world, unless we recognize the breach which already separates us from it. There can be no genuine love of the world except the love wherewith God loved it in Jesus Christ." (Bonhoeffer 98)
I'm still processing through all of it-albeit slowly. But I empathize with what he was saying. I know the feeling that comes when I feel that there aren't actually the kind of connections I thought I had with people whether it be family, friends, or whatever. I feel the call of Christ calling me as an individual, that I must make my own decision to enter into service rather than using these so called relationships for my own gain. Hopefully that's not too vague. Feel free to ask questions.
To bring it back to my family. My father told me today that he was starting to understand that kind of disconnect, understanding what is important your relationships--Christ. I am glad he brought my cousin, even if I don't really know how to talk to her. We must follow Christ even if there is a cost.
Also, my last couple xanga posts were dripping with some strong emotions. At this point, my life has calmed down. God has been ever gracious to me and I am doing well. I can always use your prayers though. There is of couse some sore spot there with Pauline, but I'm not in a bad place anymore. All this thinking of hating the world has given me some good thought to process through. I am just broken and need of Christ to heal me. That's what it always comes down to.
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I find myself at the end of a emotionally draining day not really sure what to think. Actually, I am thinking that loving someone is really hard and really uncomfortable sometimes. Pauline completely shut me off the last couple days, which was quite unsettling in a lot of ways. She is really stressed out, and I've been trying to be nice to her, trying to do nice things for her but she just rejects it. I started to figure my good looks have finally started to wear off and she was actually getting tired of me. I know you get stressed out sometimes, but you don't act like your friends are annoying the crap out of you all the time. It hurts. So, it all came to a climax tonight when I just told her I was coming by to drop off some coffee and just leaving so she wouldn't be interrupted, and she pleaded with me not to come--that it would make things worse. I honestly didn't know how to respond to that. Just got more frustrated mainly. That's all I know how to do. So it climaxed because she started to explain to me that she like her mother cannot be around people when she gets stressed out, that she only wants to work to get away from the stress. We had a bit of an argument, because I am completely not built that way. I don't understand her in that. I don't know how you are not suppose to take something personal when your friend is "spitting in your face" when you are trying to care for them. Maybe that is extreme, but it certainly feels that way. So, I started thinking about love--not those goofy romantic feelings--but the real, hard-to-swallow, this-is-gonna-kill-you-and-require-more-sacrifice-than-you-can-imagine kind of love. I don't mean to be trite and quote 1 Corinthians 13, but 1 Corinthians 13 is far from trite--it's just that kind of love that you don't see all the time.
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.So what if I am wrong? In the midst of being hurt, I lose all sense of perspective on Grace? The line Isn't always "me first" cuts my heart. When I say wrong, I don't mean that my feelings aren't warranted, but that it's just not the way that we are supposed to live in Grace. So, if Pauline says the best way to care for her is to leave her alone for the only two weeks that I will see her in the next couple months, maybe I should listen to that and not my heart screaming that it's hurting. Every single verse in this passage is too much for me to handle.
God, I seriously do not have this kind of love for people in general, not even for Pauline. I have fallen so short. It is frightening to see how deep the brokenness runs through my heart. Lord, you are the only one who is able to have that kind of love, so unselfish. Help me to accept that you love me that much. Give me the strength and humility that it takes to love other people like you do. Especially Pauline. Heal this anger, this pain. For years, I have not felt as angry as I have today. Forgive me. I will never be completely mature until you complete me. I need you more than I could ever admit. Save me from myself. Reveal yourself to Pauline and remove the darkness from her life. Draw her into your kingdom. Heal her heart and help her to experience what real love is. Help her to bring that into her family's and friends' lives. We are all so broken. It is truly amazing that you love us as you do.
So I am letting this anger be covered up by Jesus' death. It really must die. | | |
| Wow, it's been a wacky couple of days. From coming down with pneumonia, to church tonight, I can really only say that I am blessed. God is indeed good.
I guess this whole not being able to breathe thing has been quite lousy, but my parents and friends have been taking care of me. It's good to know that I am loved. I don't mean to be fatalistic, but if anything ever happens to me, I love you all dearly.
So tonight, I really wanted to go to church. I didn't think it was that great of an idea because of being sick, so I resolved myself not to go unless Pauline would go, since I spend all my time with her and I just want her to get to know Jesus. I've been a little discouraged because she just isn't that curious about it. That's fine and all, but I just want her to understand how real God is. I try not to shove it down her throat, but she at least listens. To my surprise, she got her work done quickly enough to go to church with me. She actually wanted to go, so that's good. Anyways, I know church is supposed to be about money tonight and Seth, the pastor, said that it would be a really great time to invite people to church, especially since it's such a sore topic. Church was brutal on me, because I want to sing. I had to sit down after the first song cause I was in a bit of pain and was trying to breath deeply. So Seth shared about the joy of giving, and it was great. Everything is God's. We are to be wise stewards of it. Then at the end, he says we want you to be given an opportunity to do this with what you are given. So, we are passing out envelopes with money (which a few people gave joyfully) that you should give to pursue the Kingdom. So they passed out envelopes with somewhere over $2000 inside. Each envelope had at least $10 up to $100 in it, some more. Wow. Pauline and Conni (from germany) were just like, What? They saw it coming from the way that Seth was talking and were like "no way". That was my reaction.
That is one way that the church has successfully repented of mistakes. We need this kind of grace. It messes with you. It is real.
So I reheated some brats and quiche (et de la compote) for Pau afterwards and we ate dinner and engaged in a long conversation about loving people. From the homeless ministry this summer to just difficult times to love people, I felt like we were on the same page. Not that she has the same mindset, but she was active and interested in it. Or maybe it was just something where she didn't withdraw a little and just say that different people don't believe the same. It was really nice. Thanks God.
Then I took her home and she invited me up for tea, so I went. Somehow we got into this conversation about parents and then to drug use. I guess I didn't realize that drugs were so prevalent in France. Her group of friends got more heavily involved especially while she was out of the country in Australia / Tasmania a couple years ago. Doing and selling everything from pot to heroin. But she shared so much with me, and it was wonderful but terribly heartbreaking at the same time. I shall spend a great deal of time in prayer about it. I feel like I'm in kind of an interesting position with Pau. I seriously love this woman. We've really become good friends over the last couple months. I don't really know about all that romancy stuff; it's complicated. To be honest, I don't value friendship enough in terms of my relations with women, so I am letting this be. I love her and I want her to know Jesus--that's about all I can put into this at this time. I pray that God would use the influence that I have in her life to draw her towards Himself, and not let me and my sin get in the way.
Lord, thank you for tonight.
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